Let Them Be Disappointed

I'm going to take a moment to brag on this amazing young lady… and on God for how He used her to show tender care for His children.

C'anna came into our lives only months ago, to babysit our girls on a weekly basis while we have life group, and the occasional date night.  It didn't take long for all 3 girls to fall in love with her as every time she's here with them, she's really HERE with them.  She plays, laughs and loves on our girls.  I know all you moms out there know what it does to your heart when someone- not a blood relative- loves on your kids. HUGE right??  Well then came summer… break from life group, vacations, etc.  So we barely saw her.  Not only did the girls regularly ask when they'll see her again, but when we return to that routine with life group, and she's back for the first week, she brings a bag of hair accessories, does their hair and takes them outside for a little photo shoot... only to print, frame and wrap these photos with the girls the next week to gift us with.  Jealous yet??   

You know what else?  She doesn't rush out of here like she can't wait to leave this not-so-clean house that has laundry on the couches and dishes stacked up.  If those dishes are stacked up she does them.  Talk about serving others.  Ok the biggest thing happened just this morning…


I am committed Tuesday and Wednesday mornings to a bible study I not only participate in, but serve in, every week.  So when my daughter came home with this invitation to the Little Red Riding Hood play, that she clearly put so much effort into at school, my heart sunk a little…  

My first thought, why Wednesday morning God?  Really??  My daughter was the narrator / story teller for the play, and although it wasn't a big production, just her class and being performed in the classroom, the Mommy in me wants to be at anything and everything.  Especially when my child has been practicing, working at, rehearsing, etc.  Ok I'll check the schedule, I bet Daddy can make it!  Oops, no, Daddy's on shift.  And the next closest relative goes to that same bible study with me.  So, where does that leave this invitation?  On the kitchen counter for a few days until I figure out how to explain (again) commitment to my daughter.  Funny thing though, she knows.  I complimented the picture on her invitation and she of course inquired "are you coming?"  I simply said, "I would love to baby, I noticed it's on a Wednesday.  Do you know where I go on Wednesdays?"  The lightbulb turned on.  "oh that's right, ok, what about Dad?"  "Daddy's working baby."  My heart on it's way to breaking. Thinking, is this one of those times for discernment... and take time away from my ministry?  Then she steps in ever so maturely, "Your work for Jesus is more important Mom.  It's okay."

WOW.  If my heart has to go through these little disappointments for her to get THAT… it's all worth it right?  

FAST FORWARD: Tuesday night after life group, the lovely C'anna and I are talking.  She says V practiced her narrating for Little Red Riding Hood.  And how she'd love to come watch.  Wait, what??  A beautiful young college girl would wake up when she doesn't have to, take time out of her morning for what… to go watch Little Red Riding Hood narrated by a 2nd grader?  Amazing.  It was left as a maybe if she didn't have anything going on that morning.  Besides, I was confident in V's  grown up attitude about the whole thing that it would go smoothly.  Then this morning happened: drop off.  My time Wednesday mornings is precious.  I have just minutes to make the drop off for the girls at school then the drive to get to bible study on time.  As we start driving, the tears start falling.  "Mom I want you to come! Please!"  Oh my goodness, we talked about this… the conversation went so well!  "Just skip today Mom"  Ooooh boy, did I make a mistake here?  I didn't feel led to skip today… this is ripping my heart out… ok but it's showing her what sacrifice means, what service means… ahh but the tears are rolling- I can see them in that rear view mirror… We arrive at school, she hops out, and I ask to pray with her.  She's quite the emotional one and can't take it, she slides her hands out of mine.  "Baby girl…"  "No mom, I'll be fine" as she begins to walk away.   Then turns around and runs back for a hug, crying again.  There, "now let's say that prayer." I think I prayed in that moment for SOMETHING.  Something God, something for her heart.  It's such a small thing, but really it isn't.  It's not about the Red Riding Hood play anymore.  We kiss and hug, and I told her I'd stop by at lunch to see how it went.  And that I would have another mom take a video for me so I can watch it.  She nods her head and walks away, shoulders slumped.  I was desperate for something else to say to lift her spirits, but I had nothing.  Then I remembered C'anna.  As I hop back into my car, watching my daughter so slowly walk away, I text C'anna, and get a quick reply back that she's going.  I jump out of my car and run to catch up to V.  She's standing at the playground with her head down, 2 friends around her, clearly consoling her.  Once I get her attention I tell her she has a surprise visitor coming today.  "It's not me, but you'll have a surprise visitor coming to watch your play."  She smiles and nods as I rush off back to the car.

My drive consisted of me hashing over each decision.  (Our kids' meltdowns tend to do this to us right?)  Because how many moms would read this and think, that's wrong.  She left her daughter crying, simply asking her mom to be there for her… all for a bible study??  Which I have to let go of that.  There was and there will be other times where yes, I'll choose to be there for my daughters instead.  But that wasn't the choice today.  And as I drove I felt a peace with it.  And for many reasons:  

1.)  It's allowing my daughter to experience disappointment.  We won't always get what we want- even when those things we want are good things.  Whether they know it or not, my children need me to teach them how to respond to disappointment.  Not purposefully throw it their way… BUT, when it comes, to not jump at every chance to prevent them from experiencing it.

2.)  Serving the Lord comes at a cost.  But it also comes with great rewards.

And for me: 

3.)  Being in step with the Holy Spirit sometimes means saying no to something I want to do. Ouch.

4.)  Had I given in, I would have missed how God lovingly showed me He CARES.  He cares about the Red Riding Hood plays.  He cares about my daughter's tears.  He heard my prayer… for something, something to give her joy today.  He is so tender towards hearts that He put someone there this morning, when I thought there was no one, and someone my daughter was thrilled about.  She probably has no idea (unless she reads this) what a blessing she was this morning - not only to a 7 year old, but also to me.

About an hour and a half later I get this picture…. V with one of her favorite people, and on top of that, a full bouquet of flowers.

Thank you C'anna, just for being you.  You bring us joy.

In 3 Words: He Is Pruning

My husband and I just spent 3 days as we do every year at the Firefighters Retreat at Hume Lake.  It starts off with the International Firefighters For Christ event Thursday evening.  One of the things we did was reflect on where we are with God… in 3 words.  Mine were "He is pruning."  Sometimes it's as though I'm watching from an outside perspective as He walks through His temple (me) and overturns the tables (Matthew 21).  The things that don't belong there, the things that defile, the things that are obstacles for holiness.  If I'm honest, there's a lot of those money changer tables in me- selfishness, laziness, pride, delayed obedience… (more than I'd care to mention) but I'm encouraged by the progress.  Because after all, what's the purpose of pruning?   Removing the dead and old, causing growth and thriving of the new.

God has shown me a few times (quite recently) opportunities to step up and do work for Him.  Opportunities I should gladly fulfill with a joyful heart.  I feel I'm stepping up, but I noticed I tend to do it with my heels digging in as I feel inadequate- as if He asked the wrong person to do it- and not whole-heartedly trusting Him in the process.  Some may be small tasks, others a bit bigger.  No matter the size I need to get out the way, knowing ya, I AM inadequate but HE isn't.  And HE'S ENOUGH.  One thing God reminded me of is in Mark 6, when there are over 5,000 hungry people surrounding Jesus and His disciples.  And what's Jesus' response?  "You give them something to eat." (Mark 6:37)  Wouldn't you have loved to see their faces?!  What I loved about this is how God trains His disciples AS He uses them.  He doesn't wait until they're in their prime!  And when brought to Him, our resources (even just five loaves and two fish) are enough.  Remembering God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called.  How many imperfect people from the bible have I studied over and over again and yet still hesitate in allowing Him to use me?  

• Noah got drunk
• Abraham was "too old"
• Timothy was "too young"
• Jacob was a liar
• Joseph was abused
• Rahab was a prostitute
• David had an affair & murdered
• Jonah ran from God
• Job was bankrupt
• Peter denied Christ
• Paul had persecuted Christians
• Lazarus was dead

2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."  For some reason, young Timothy needed to hear this from his mentor Paul.  I love the charge Paul gives Timothy just before this in verse 6, "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God which is in you…"  

More and more I'm realizing my responsibility as a daughter of Christ, a disciple, a wife, a mother, to fan the flame… Especially as a part of the younger generation.  I say this to myself just as much as anyone else: we need to STEP UP.  The biblically illiterate world we live in desperately needs our generation to be DIFFERENT.  To live authentically, to be transparent - to go back to the things of faith revealed… the God of Abraham.  Living out the Word and therefore living distinctly.  

And to not attempt it just on self-effort, wearing ourselves out.  "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20).

A great encouragement was given out this weekend by our friend Robert Blair, who came all the way from Northern Ireland as always to join the Firefighters For Christ at Hume for this retreat… if you are young, and don't have that "spiritual parent," that mentor like Timothy had in Paul, seek one OUT.  If you are older, mature in your faith and are not someone else's spiritual parent then SEEK THEM OUT.   This weekend I got to spend nearly 2 hours on a bench in the sunshine with a spiritual parent.  John White, the man who said yes to God and thus Firefighters For Christ was born in 1976, becoming international by 1978 and established as an incorporated organization.  He shared about a few of the most difficult trials he has weathered and each story was constantly pointing back to Jesus, telling of how God was glorified in each.  This modern-day Paul has the gift of evangelism, and LIVES OUT the high calling of a disciple with the urgency that the gospel of Christ demands… and has led countless men, women, and children all over this world to knowing Jesus Christ personally.  I say countless because I know the number is in the thousands as the Lord has greatly blessed his sincere, God-glorifying ministry.  I could make an entire post about John White, and his dear wife Jane- who just thinking of her and her strength in the Lord brings a huge smile to my face.  (In truth I even debated introducing them simply because you can't impress the impact this man and his wife have had into a few words on a blog.)  But the point being that those 2 hours on that bench were uplifting, encouraging and faith-building for this woman of 50 years younger.

I have heard the younger generation balk about not being able to relate to the older generation, not "getting much"… but ladies (and gentlemen), don't think that it's because of them.  We should be listening.  If we aren't, shame on us.

Sidenote: If you are one that doesn't see yourself as a disciple because you are that stay-at-home mom who changes diaper after diaper every day... routine school drop-off and pick up 10 times a week, is discouraged by the never-ending story of laundry, spilled milk clean-ups, toy picking up and dish washing, then ask God to change that wrong thinking.  You have eyes watching every move you make.  Little ears listening to how you respond when that milk spills, how you speak to your husband, and how you discipline.  Are you showing them Jesus in how you do life?  Jesus was a carpenter and didn't begin traveling in His ministry until 3 years before his death.  He had the challenge of living for God in an ordinary life.  Be encouraged.

I felt God nudging me.  Now it feels like more of a loving push.  He's pushing me outside the boundaries of comfort, showing me the needs, giving me the opportunities, and showing me that the convictions He's revealed along the way must be followed.  I cannot delay obedience in what He's already asked of me and expect Him to give me more.  He's blessed me with a growing desire to please Him and serve Him, and it requires an abandonment of comfort.  He's allowed things to happen in order to show me exactly where I am not fully reliant on Him but on others and other comforts.  And deep down, I'm thankful for that conviction, as much as it may hurt.  

He is pruning.  In so many areas, using so many avenues and people to do it.  I genuinely look forward to what my 3 words will be a year from now.  So bare with me, dear friends and family.  I'm a work in progress.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phillipians 1:6

I Thought I Loved You Then

I love how God WORKS.   This is quite a personal post.  And while I'll leave out the details, I simply want to record this in the blog of my life and give glory to God for how He works.

A couple days ago hubby and I had to talk.  Something came up, and quite honestly I was real upset.  It's something that so easily could have, in a moment, exploded with emotions and- let's just say, unhealthy conversation.  I escaped to my bedroom, immediately got down on my knees beside my bed in a moment of Romans 8:26…"in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."  Once words did come, I prayed for wisdom, emotional control, grace.  I prayed for His words, not mine, I prayed for Him to empty me of self and fill me with the fruit of the Spirit.  In a couple of hours after all the girls were down we were able to talk.  In that hour it was almost as though I could step back and physically watch God tenderly repair.  What could have been hurtful, He made healing.  What could have been damaging He made restoring.  Where there was anger He replaced with understanding.  Just a short while later I found myself in awe at the inner joy I felt.  Not a superficial giddy-ness.  But a joy in the LORD.  A deep-rooted peace and a gratitude for the husband God had given me invaded my heart.  As I held him I was so moved by the increase of love God gave me for him that night.  And realizing I don't deserve any of it.  But wait, an increase… The Brad Paisley song came on this morning "Then."  And boy did that strike a chord.  "Now you're my whole life, now you're my whole world, I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl.  Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been, we've come so far since that day, and I thought I loved you then."  I DID.  I thought I loved him when we were dating.  I thought I loved him when we got married.  I thought I loved him at the birth of our first child.  Thirteen years into being us and God is multiplying it still.  My marriage has flourished in so many ways, and with each growth spurt God has pruned my heart in the process.  I'm moved to tears at how much my husband is willing to sacrifice for me.  That despite all my faults and weaknesses he chooses every day to love and serve me.  I think I genuinely believed I knew what love was when I got married.  I didn't.  The Lord has shown me so much more.  Nothing has stretched my faith and been a greater evidence of His power at work and His authority in my life than my marriage.  And, I'm eternally thankful.  Frankie, not that you ever read this blog, but if you do dear, I am overwhelmed with a love for you.  Thank you for your commitment to the Lord, and to us.  

I LOVE you.

Disheartening

Wow.  So I'm disheartened today.  I have been hearing a lot of things lately that seriously cause my heart to ache.  And, if I'm completely honest, frustrate me.  We are called to love and so I do.  Yet also I feel as though sometimes I love in the background and truth isn't spoken.  So I apologize for the bluntness here, but my mind is going crazy this morning with the things I've been hearing and I have to get it out.

• Someone actually thanking God (yes, GOD) for the Supreme Court ruling for same-sex marriages in California.  I was so blown away when I read that.... the God who says in HIS word that homosexuality is detestable to Him.  THAT's who they are thanking?  This is not a blessing bestowed from the Lord.  So let's at least get that part straight.  Just as God hates ALL sin- every sin I commit as well, I'm not trying to discount myself here, but I certainly don't rejoice in my sin and proclaim thanks to the Lord for allowing me to further it.  Disheartening.  I read a quote that really says it well: “Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate." Rick Warren

• Someone saying anyone who claims to follow the bible and doesn't adopt orphans, having only children of their own, is simply filling a narcissistic hole in themselves.  Wow.  Ouch.  And seeing so many others agree was just as much of a surprise as the statement itself.  God most certainly calls us to care for the orphans and widows. (James 1:27)  How that looks in each believers life will be different, as it's between the believer and God.  Apparently to this person prayer and financial support is not enough.  Interesting though, I wonder what IS enough?  And what is enough for the widows as well?  Adopting them along with the orphans?  I certainly agree that there are many Christians who don't give orphans and widows a second thought.... but does that mean none do?  Disheartening.  I just don't see Jesus making this judgment on those that do have children. And after all, that's who we are being compared to is it not?

• Hearing that a 3 year old lacks control of their impulsive urges so trying to teach them boundaries is useless at that age.  Huh??  What is our role as parents??  To take those difficult moments (also known as teachable moments) and work WITH them and FOR them.  We could go by this nonsensical principle our whole parenting lives.... "our 16 year old just can't control their physical urges" so let's treat the consequences not the cause (i.e. start her on birth control or if she really messes up, get an abortion).  I get so sad when parents chalk it up to "kids nowadays" so they slap a bandaid on a gunshot wound and call it a day.  Disheartening.  Instead let's teach our children their actions MATTER and have consequences.  Let's teach them TRUTH.  Let's exercise patience and consistency and love, but not with an attitude that they simply can't help themselves.  Let's teach them HOW to help themselves.  And in the process, we learn this very same thing ourselves.... since parenting almost works on our hearts more than theirs.

Thank you God that you are sovereign.  Help me to love others and love you more.

2 of my favorite videos

Since I'm on a roll with posting things... 2 of my most favorite videos...

Need to say "thank you"

(Tonight, April 24, 2013 I found this post.... halfway written and unpublished on my blog... and decided I needed to finish it.  So here it is.)

I'm going to confess something.  I pout.  I have pouted a lot lately.  Because one of my dearest friends I have had in all my 29 years moved away.  Not to mention how close our hubbies were and our children.  The Lord gave us a GIFT a few years ago when He began a small group of couples that began meeting on Wednesday nights.  He gave us the gift of friendship- an honest, humble, genuine, safe, transparent, unreserved, healing friendship.  One that changed me.  Shaped me.  Grew me.  Challenged me.  Showed me Christ's love in action.  Our God gives, and He takes away.  He hasn't taken away that friendship, no way.  But I have been pouting as if He did.  And I realized, I need to say thank you.

Thank you Lord....

... for our children's unforgettable friendships, the hours of joy and playful laughter

...for the depth of our husbands' friendships

...the holidays spent together

... for VBS fun

.... for QUALITY time

... for weddings together

... for doing pregnancies, births, and celebrations together

... for doing loss, deaths and tears shed together.

... for God revealing Himself to me time and time again, as a reflection in this friend.  For showing me what kind of genuine fellowship in joy and in depth He designed us to experience.  I love you friend, and I am thankful for the journey God carries you on and that I get to continue being let in on it.  Praying for you always, even when I don't respond for days with my 8 paragraph texts.  You are a gift, and I need to say THANK YOU.

(Another) Day to Remember

Back in July 2010 I posted on this blog about V's acceptance of Jesus Christ as her Savior.  Such a joy to watch her pray that prayer on June 30, 2010.  And to see where she's at now, as she grows, matures, and says things that amaze me, things that most 6 year olds don't speak of.

Now I sit here again at this computer to document about April 13, 2013.

Our journey as parents with Victoria has differed greatly in our journey with Sophie.  The stubborn, strong-willed spirit she has shown, the feisty defiance, our cluelessness as to what to try next... it's been interesting... and so rewarding to see little victories and growth in her and watch her character develop. Throughout our bible stories, and talking about Jesus, what He did on the cross, who He is, the Holy Spirit, etc we always ask the girls questions.  I still remember sitting on Sophie's bed the first time I asked her if she would like forgiveness for her sin (bad choices as we sometimes call it) and if she would like Jesus to come and live in her heart forever.... a sweet silence as she thinks, and so politely and bluntly says, "um, no."  Wow, my child just rejected Christ was my first thought haha.  But, confident that as she grows and learns that she would desire to know Him and who He is.  Months later... the topic comes up again.... "no, no I don't want to" was her answer.  The first-time shock wasn't there for me, and actually, I appreciated and learned to be thankful that my child has such a mind of her own that she doesn't just do something because she thinks we want her to.  That she was making a conscience choice.

Then one Saturday night we are reading and talking about the beginning.  Before God created earth, what the bible says it was like before God spoke this world into existence.  And somewhere in there V happens to ask Sophie if she wants Jesus in her heart.  As I'm picking up our books I hear Sophie respond, "yes."  What??  All this time and talks with mommy and now it's sissy that leads her younger sister.  We prayed with Sophie that night, and the girls all played and wrestled with Dad for a good 30 minutes afterwards as I just sat and watched, soaking it up.

Not much else to say, but thank you God.