Our third daughter, Hannah Jo, born October 15, 2011 at 8:56 AM weighing a whopping 8lb 6oz. After many sleepless nights battling leg cramps, breathlessness, sciatica and multiple potty breaks she showed up. I was to be induced on the 16th. But no, she couldn't wait. Frankie was at work, but my mom was in town, sharing in the sleepless bed with me. I woke at about 1:00 am with my first contraction. Typical for me at this point. I usually had 2-3 each night. So I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep... until 18 minutes later another one came. Then 17 minutes later another. And that 3rd one was stronger. Longer. I KNEW after that third one. But also knowing Frankie was at the station and that this was the ONLY day my doctor wasn't on call in a 2-week span made me try and ignore it, quite the genius move. After about the 4th one my mom woke to my increased breathing. After about 2 hours of increasingly painful contractions I called Frankie's station, catching his captain off guard and answering the phone in a very scratchy 3am voice. That was an awkward phone call: "Hi, sorry, this is Frankie's wife... um... can you please wake him and tell him his wife is going into labor?" I think I could actually hear him jump off his bed. So Frankie got here within about 30-40 minutes, at which point my contractions jumped to only 6 minutes apart. I'll never forget slowly getting dressed in the dark and brushing my teeth in between contractions (didn't want morning breath when I met Hannah of course). Upon arriving at the hospital and getting checked in I was dilated at a 5 1/2. And I enjoyed it all. I loved just laying there talking with Frankie about Hannah... what she would look like, how much she'd weigh, what will her personality be like, what will the girls think, etc. And truly having so much fun while in labor. I didn't mind the pain. Well, until it was time for the IV. Barf! Ok I actually didn't, but I did kind of check out for a bit. Man it was painful getting the IV in my hand- it seemed to take FOREVER to tape it up all the while feeling like she's pulling the veins out of my hand. So then comes the nausea, the body sweats, and the, "Frankie go get the vomit tray!" Then I hear the nurse and Frankie talking about how ghost-white I am and that she's going to increase my fluids... then everything went white. Once I opened my eyes the nausea began to subside thank goodness and she stopped messing with my hand... praise the Lord! I was checked and now at a 6 1/2. I asked about the epidural and the nurse said they were still waiting on my lab results from the blood work. They cannot call the anesthesiologist until they have those results... Ok. Got it. Breathe through the next contraction.... Checked at 7. Ok, keep breathing... Checked at 8. Ok, ummm can I get this epidural before I have to start pushing?! After a long, moaning contraction the nurse darts out to go check on the lab results. YES they are in and relief (AKA the anesthesiologist) is on it's way! From then on it seemed to go pretty fast... my mom and wonderful friends Carrie and Megan showed up to help take care of me. :) We enjoyed hanging out and some precious prayer time lifting up Hannah and that whole day before the Lord... a time that I will never forget.
--Thank you Mom, Frankie, and dear friends--
Then, in a matter of 15 total pushes Hannah took her first breath of air.
The dr held her up for all to see... and through my tears I saw the most beautiful, most precious, most perfect.... chubby thighs!!! Whaaaa?? Ya, that's really what I said in my head. She was huge! And already had chubby legs! All I could do was smile. I had a big girl. A big, strong, healthy baby girl. God is SO good. And so tender towards me. And the reason her hugeness did such good for my heart is this: only something I have shared with a handful of people... when I was about 5 months pregnant something entered my mind, a deep fear. And it grew. I'm not sure what it stemmed from. I do know that I had been on a fast track of spiritual growth and desire for the Lord... and as wrong as it is, I questioned why? Why have I been growing so much, becoming that much more committed? Is the Lord strengthening me for a future trial? Is this my preparation for something devastating so that I can withstand it? I know that every mother's nightmare is losing a child. But mine became more than a nightmare. It consumed my thoughts. It made me sick. Many days and nights I have spent in tears... TEARS over Hannah. And she was perfectly healthy and safe in my belly. But a song would come on the radio (ie: "Held" by Natalie Grant) and if I had the privacy it would send me into an almost inconsolable state, begging God to not ask of me to suffer through that... even if it meant bringing Him glory. I pictured this tiny frail Hannah, and allowed my mind to work up a scene of getting up in the night and finding her lifeless. Then I saw this for what it was: sin. It was a sin to fear like this. Not trusting the Almighty and His sovereignty. One particular night I remember laying in bed crying as if I had already lost her... and I simply started praying for His comfort. For His peace that I knew could only come from Him. In a matter of a minute He brought at least 6 verses to mind... (mostly from Isaiah since that's what I had been studying at the time)
"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in His arms
and carries them close to His heart;
He gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11
"Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the LORD, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10
"but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
I can say now as Hannah is 3 months old that the Lord is certainly working through that fear. It is no longer crippling. It remains in the back of my mind, as it probably always will for all three of my children. However, God has brought me to a point of... it is well with my soul. I am by no means safe from this particular nightmare. BUT, I know that should I ever face it, I can face it in confidence, in hope, that my Father will carry me through it. That I will see her again some day. And that through it I can fulfill the ultimate life purpose of which there is nothing greater: glorifying God. I know if I do that, I am in His will. And there is truly NO other place I'd rather be.
