Daily Reminders

As many of you know, someone very dear to me passed last December. December 20, 2011 to be exact. Courtney Renee Conner. To me, Aunt Tee Tee. And the reason my middle name is Renee. This has rocked our family. She was a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL person. She loved her family. She loved babies. She loved the Lord. Man, did she LOVE. It hurts. I've never experienced physical pain from an emotional wound until that day my mom called. She was at Courtney's apartment and told me she was gone. In that split moment of muddled thinking as my brain was working so hard to process what I heard, I thought it was some sick joke. So I kept insisting "no, no... NO" Then thought, mom just doesn't know what she is talking about... she just needs to go check again, Courtney is fine. But it WAS a reality. One that would take a lot of time, and a lot of tears, before it set in. Moments of shutting myself in the bathroom or closet to let it out in privacy. Until my 5 yr old would walk in and I'd see her whole demeanor timidly change when she noticed how upset I was. Or my 2 month old would start crying, ready to eat. I had to keep functioning as normal. Yet, grieve through the normalcy?? How do I do that? Two months later, I see how it happens... I have days of tears and I have days of peace. Because I can say with FULL confidence that I WILL see her again. What a glorious reunion that will be. And through God's word I have a glimpse at what she is doing this very moment.... and that makes me happy. Happy for her. She is in her Maker's arms. And happier than any of us can possibly fathom. And what I am left with is daily reminders....


Every single morning I wake up and put this on. I adore it... the color, the incredible softness, the fit... it is a well chosen robe. This was a Christmas gift for Courtney from her mother, my grandmother. Yet she graciously allowed me to have it. Now every morning, I think of Courtney.




And these.... shoes she had bought for my girls. She loved buying them shoes. And she always picked out such great ones. For the first few weeks it actually was hard. I would cry whenever one of my girls brought a pair over to me asking to put them on. But now, I smile. I smile when I see them on, being worn, being played in. Just as they were intended.



This was her blanket. HER blanket, that sat on HER couch, in HER apartment. It was an adorable place. And having this blanket reminds me of her place. Picturing her there cuddled up with this on the couch. It gives me a comforting thought. Like maybe this was something she used when needing comfort. And I get to use the same thing she did. That's awesome.


I am completely honored and grateful for the years I had with my aunt. She made me laugh. She treated me as her own daughter, the daughter she never had. And I'll never forget the love she showed. And how much I love her. Thank You Lord for drawing her to you, for saving her. Thank You for her two sons that we see her in. And thank You for preparing an eternal home for her, caring for her until we see her again.

Scrolls To Burn

One of my ongoing (and probably never-ending) prayers is for the Lord to show me how to be a better mom to my girls. And, of course, He is faithful to show me. I'm just not always faithful to listen. Sometimes I fall back into taking the "easier" road and not fighting for what's best.... for instance my daily time in the Word. Because when I do, I'm a better mom. I exude more patience and compassion, and can really see God sustaining me all throughout the day (and night) in such practical ways. Or like staying disciplined with my home. Sure, it'd be way "easier" to facebook for those 30 minutes instead of fold that load of laundry I've re-tumbled in the dryer 3 times. But that's not what's best. And don't get me wrong, facebook is great. I love the connection and interaction it provides with family and friends. But when it takes place of my other responsibilities and gets in the way of my time with the Lord, with my children, etc.... conviction. Now, God has so graciously revealed to me the things that "get in the way" and are robbing my children, my husband, and Himself of the time that is so deserved, and needed...

The first scroll to be burned (Acts 19), which I have ignored and justified for a long time: The Bachelor. Two hours every Monday night. Or, thanks to DVR, at any point in the week that I could sit and indulge for that long. Monday nights worked out well though because hubby was at BSF. (I know, how ironic is that? He's studying God's word and I'm indulging in my guilty pleasure.) So I didn't have to worry about him interrupting constantly with his hilarious jabs at the ridiculous drama on this show, that for some mysterious reason, held my undivided attention so well. Even just typing this is humbling. WHY did I get sucked into that?? Why was I entertained by such immorality... the tears, the pride, the just plain drama? Aside from all of that it was taking up a huge chunk of time that could be spent in SUCH a better way. And the funniest thing about this is after not watching it I don't miss it. I'm not just dying to know what happened... who said what to who, and what did she do after she found out that she did that... I don't care. Aahhh (exhale)... such freedom.

The second scroll: texting. Another great way of communicating. Especially for the mom of 3 who usually doesn't have the time, the quiet, or even the energy for a phone conversation. However, it becomes more than that. It turns into moments that are as follows:
"Mommy, will you read me Goodnight Moon?"
"Yes baby I would love to! Just a minute."
type, type, type... oops! phone rings, let me catch that.... oh, sissy just spilled her drink.... ah, dryer dinged... Then 2 hours later she's sound asleep in bed that night and I am brought to almost tears thinking how I completely forgot about that book, that time with her. What does that tell her?! Mom's phone is pretty important to her. At least more important than this book. She had to send that message. No more. Again, it's a great way to communicate with people when it's convenient for me. But during the day, when I have a constant 3 children to care for, it's not convenient. In the evenings it is. Or early in the mornings when I am up and a couple of them aren't. So for now, I will not be responding unless it's an answer needed. Regular conversation can wait. Wait until after Goodnight Moon.

A few other "scrolls" on my mind but haven't taken action yet... future blogging material. ;)