I Thought I Loved You Then

I love how God WORKS.   This is quite a personal post.  And while I'll leave out the details, I simply want to record this in the blog of my life and give glory to God for how He works.

A couple days ago hubby and I had to talk.  Something came up, and quite honestly I was real upset.  It's something that so easily could have, in a moment, exploded with emotions and- let's just say, unhealthy conversation.  I escaped to my bedroom, immediately got down on my knees beside my bed in a moment of Romans 8:26…"in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."  Once words did come, I prayed for wisdom, emotional control, grace.  I prayed for His words, not mine, I prayed for Him to empty me of self and fill me with the fruit of the Spirit.  In a couple of hours after all the girls were down we were able to talk.  In that hour it was almost as though I could step back and physically watch God tenderly repair.  What could have been hurtful, He made healing.  What could have been damaging He made restoring.  Where there was anger He replaced with understanding.  Just a short while later I found myself in awe at the inner joy I felt.  Not a superficial giddy-ness.  But a joy in the LORD.  A deep-rooted peace and a gratitude for the husband God had given me invaded my heart.  As I held him I was so moved by the increase of love God gave me for him that night.  And realizing I don't deserve any of it.  But wait, an increase… The Brad Paisley song came on this morning "Then."  And boy did that strike a chord.  "Now you're my whole life, now you're my whole world, I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl.  Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been, we've come so far since that day, and I thought I loved you then."  I DID.  I thought I loved him when we were dating.  I thought I loved him when we got married.  I thought I loved him at the birth of our first child.  Thirteen years into being us and God is multiplying it still.  My marriage has flourished in so many ways, and with each growth spurt God has pruned my heart in the process.  I'm moved to tears at how much my husband is willing to sacrifice for me.  That despite all my faults and weaknesses he chooses every day to love and serve me.  I think I genuinely believed I knew what love was when I got married.  I didn't.  The Lord has shown me so much more.  Nothing has stretched my faith and been a greater evidence of His power at work and His authority in my life than my marriage.  And, I'm eternally thankful.  Frankie, not that you ever read this blog, but if you do dear, I am overwhelmed with a love for you.  Thank you for your commitment to the Lord, and to us.  

I LOVE you.

Disheartening

Wow.  So I'm disheartened today.  I have been hearing a lot of things lately that seriously cause my heart to ache.  And, if I'm completely honest, frustrate me.  We are called to love and so I do.  Yet also I feel as though sometimes I love in the background and truth isn't spoken.  So I apologize for the bluntness here, but my mind is going crazy this morning with the things I've been hearing and I have to get it out.

• Someone actually thanking God (yes, GOD) for the Supreme Court ruling for same-sex marriages in California.  I was so blown away when I read that.... the God who says in HIS word that homosexuality is detestable to Him.  THAT's who they are thanking?  This is not a blessing bestowed from the Lord.  So let's at least get that part straight.  Just as God hates ALL sin- every sin I commit as well, I'm not trying to discount myself here, but I certainly don't rejoice in my sin and proclaim thanks to the Lord for allowing me to further it.  Disheartening.  I read a quote that really says it well: “Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate." Rick Warren

• Someone saying anyone who claims to follow the bible and doesn't adopt orphans, having only children of their own, is simply filling a narcissistic hole in themselves.  Wow.  Ouch.  And seeing so many others agree was just as much of a surprise as the statement itself.  God most certainly calls us to care for the orphans and widows. (James 1:27)  How that looks in each believers life will be different, as it's between the believer and God.  Apparently to this person prayer and financial support is not enough.  Interesting though, I wonder what IS enough?  And what is enough for the widows as well?  Adopting them along with the orphans?  I certainly agree that there are many Christians who don't give orphans and widows a second thought.... but does that mean none do?  Disheartening.  I just don't see Jesus making this judgment on those that do have children. And after all, that's who we are being compared to is it not?

• Hearing that a 3 year old lacks control of their impulsive urges so trying to teach them boundaries is useless at that age.  Huh??  What is our role as parents??  To take those difficult moments (also known as teachable moments) and work WITH them and FOR them.  We could go by this nonsensical principle our whole parenting lives.... "our 16 year old just can't control their physical urges" so let's treat the consequences not the cause (i.e. start her on birth control or if she really messes up, get an abortion).  I get so sad when parents chalk it up to "kids nowadays" so they slap a bandaid on a gunshot wound and call it a day.  Disheartening.  Instead let's teach our children their actions MATTER and have consequences.  Let's teach them TRUTH.  Let's exercise patience and consistency and love, but not with an attitude that they simply can't help themselves.  Let's teach them HOW to help themselves.  And in the process, we learn this very same thing ourselves.... since parenting almost works on our hearts more than theirs.

Thank you God that you are sovereign.  Help me to love others and love you more.

2 of my favorite videos

Since I'm on a roll with posting things... 2 of my most favorite videos...

Need to say "thank you"

(Tonight, April 24, 2013 I found this post.... halfway written and unpublished on my blog... and decided I needed to finish it.  So here it is.)

I'm going to confess something.  I pout.  I have pouted a lot lately.  Because one of my dearest friends I have had in all my 29 years moved away.  Not to mention how close our hubbies were and our children.  The Lord gave us a GIFT a few years ago when He began a small group of couples that began meeting on Wednesday nights.  He gave us the gift of friendship- an honest, humble, genuine, safe, transparent, unreserved, healing friendship.  One that changed me.  Shaped me.  Grew me.  Challenged me.  Showed me Christ's love in action.  Our God gives, and He takes away.  He hasn't taken away that friendship, no way.  But I have been pouting as if He did.  And I realized, I need to say thank you.

Thank you Lord....

... for our children's unforgettable friendships, the hours of joy and playful laughter

...for the depth of our husbands' friendships

...the holidays spent together

... for VBS fun

.... for QUALITY time

... for weddings together

... for doing pregnancies, births, and celebrations together

... for doing loss, deaths and tears shed together.

... for God revealing Himself to me time and time again, as a reflection in this friend.  For showing me what kind of genuine fellowship in joy and in depth He designed us to experience.  I love you friend, and I am thankful for the journey God carries you on and that I get to continue being let in on it.  Praying for you always, even when I don't respond for days with my 8 paragraph texts.  You are a gift, and I need to say THANK YOU.

(Another) Day to Remember

Back in July 2010 I posted on this blog about V's acceptance of Jesus Christ as her Savior.  Such a joy to watch her pray that prayer on June 30, 2010.  And to see where she's at now, as she grows, matures, and says things that amaze me, things that most 6 year olds don't speak of.

Now I sit here again at this computer to document about April 13, 2013.

Our journey as parents with Victoria has differed greatly in our journey with Sophie.  The stubborn, strong-willed spirit she has shown, the feisty defiance, our cluelessness as to what to try next... it's been interesting... and so rewarding to see little victories and growth in her and watch her character develop. Throughout our bible stories, and talking about Jesus, what He did on the cross, who He is, the Holy Spirit, etc we always ask the girls questions.  I still remember sitting on Sophie's bed the first time I asked her if she would like forgiveness for her sin (bad choices as we sometimes call it) and if she would like Jesus to come and live in her heart forever.... a sweet silence as she thinks, and so politely and bluntly says, "um, no."  Wow, my child just rejected Christ was my first thought haha.  But, confident that as she grows and learns that she would desire to know Him and who He is.  Months later... the topic comes up again.... "no, no I don't want to" was her answer.  The first-time shock wasn't there for me, and actually, I appreciated and learned to be thankful that my child has such a mind of her own that she doesn't just do something because she thinks we want her to.  That she was making a conscience choice.

Then one Saturday night we are reading and talking about the beginning.  Before God created earth, what the bible says it was like before God spoke this world into existence.  And somewhere in there V happens to ask Sophie if she wants Jesus in her heart.  As I'm picking up our books I hear Sophie respond, "yes."  What??  All this time and talks with mommy and now it's sissy that leads her younger sister.  We prayed with Sophie that night, and the girls all played and wrestled with Dad for a good 30 minutes afterwards as I just sat and watched, soaking it up.

Not much else to say, but thank you God.

A Crown of Roses

In awe of what JUST happened.  I had to sit down and write about it while it's fresh in my mind.  I don't want to forget it, and even while it was happening I wanted to savor every moment of rawness and discovery.

All three daughters were busy and playing so well together and, as much of a lost cause that it is, I was actually trying to finish the last episode of The Bible that we had recorded from the history channel.  Then V walks out, right as the Roman soldiers are putting the crown of thorns on Jesus' head.  I quickly  stop it thinking ok I'll have to finish this later.  And so the conversation began...

V:  Mommy what was that?  Was that blood?
Me:  oh yikes, how deep do you go with a 6 year old?!  Yes baby, yes it was.
V:  Oh, who was it?
Me: Well, that was Jesus.  That was before he hung on the cross.  A lot of people did not like Jesus, and they put that crown of thorns on him to mock him...
V:  So they made him bleed??
Me:  deep breath... Yes, love.

Suddenly her head drops, both hands cover her face, and I see her shoulders start bobbing up and down as she completely breaks down, tears pouring.  And not in a whiny, melodramatic, exaggerated way, as I know my daughters are capable of.  It was this cry of... genuine hurt.

After giving her a moment I bring her over to me.

Me:  What's making you cry baby?
V:  (through tears) That they did that to Jesus!  And made him bleed!
Me:  I know V, that makes Mommy cry too.
V:  I'm just so sad that he hurt!  (more tears)
Me:  I know honey, and you know it should make us sad, because it's our sin that put him there.  But don't you remember what happened after he died?
V:  He rose again.
Me:  Right!  He lives!
V:  But... but... (tears) that must have made God so sad!
Me:  Yes, yes it did.  But that's what God sent his son here to do for us, to save us from our sin.
               (a pause)
V:  But Mommy, if I were there.... I wouldn't have given him a crown of thorns.... (tears rolling down one after the next) I would have given him a crown of roses.

I think I could have thrown both hands up in worship, looking to the heavens in praise and wonder at the awesomeness of THAT moment.  But I threw my arms around my daughter, hugging her, thanking the Lord for her heart and that He saved her.  We talked for a few more minutes, told her that Jesus is with the Father now.  "On his right side!" she joyfully reminded me.

And it hit me, if a 6-year-old can grieve Christ's sufferings like that, how much more could we.  How much more it should hurt, drawing us to the cross, endured by the perfect sacrifice, leaving us with no other rightful response than a humbly repenting heart.  And then living that out.  Daily.

Thankful for that child's faith that teaches me so much.  I need more of THAT...  child-like faith.

smiling through the tears

3/14/13

I usually like to blog about things God is teaching me, how He's growing me, stretching my faith, etc.  I like to have this journey documented to always be able to look back and SEE how far He's brought me.  Nothing can bring about great spontaneous thankfulness to God (and humility) like remembering the place from which He has brought you.  And to remember He does not desire to leave me where I'm at. That's not His will.  For me to get comfortable with this new place I'm at and sit there to get stale.  I now believe in working for the Lord.  Not doing a nice deed here or there, going to church on Sunday, then patting myself on the back for being a good Christian.  So, do I get tired?  Yes.  Am I sometimes "not feeling it"?  Yes.  But do I feel Him sustaining me?  YES.  Have I seen His faithfulness in such obvious ways that there's no doubt it's Him?  YES.  Have I had moments of humbling awe when He gives me a glimpse "behind the curtain" at what He's doing?  YES.... and I've never been in such close communion with Him.

Sometimes I feel like there are a ton of things at once He's showing me.... and since I'm a dumb sheep it takes these things being repeated many times before they may fully sink in and become regularly practiced.  So, some things He's reminding me of currently...

• Taking captive my thoughts and making them obedient to Christ (2 Corinth 10:5)
• As believers we are not to run from problems, we are to run straight into them.
• God does not allow His children to sin successfully.
• To not give up on praying for a certain someone or situation.  If God has burdened me to pray for someone, am I to think He has no intention of saving them??
• Delayed obedience is disobedience.
• Living right before God helps our children live right before God.  It's heart-breaking to look at one of my daughters and see the same sin I commit.
• He is faithful when we are faithless.
• Blessings are in the hard places.
• Cooperating with the Holy Spirit in daily life prepares us for future battles.
• It will cost me something to be in the will of God.
• Believers are to care more about being right with God than insisting on their own rights.
• Satan uses temptation to result in sin & failure... God uses tests to deepen my commitment and see me succeed.
• We show what's in our heart by what we offer God.
• God disciplines those He LOVES.... and He loves me too much to give me lesser things.

A lot to take in.  So thankful for His grace in my being a work in progress.  And for the people He has placed in my life to help me along the way.  Those that shepherd me, and that I work along side.  I have surprised myself with being brought to tears twice just thinking about the incredible group of women I serve with at BSF.  Women who are so devoted to the Lord, women after God's own heart, and welcomed me with such a Christ-like warmth.  Just having them in my life is an overwhelming honor and privilege.  My loving family- a treasured blessing from the Lord.  My faithful friends... I could go on and on.
So my working for the Lord is wrapped up in these things He's asking me to be obedient in and serving Him in whatever way He calls me.  And to do it all with a joyful heart.  I can't wait to look back months from now and see the growth and fruit produced when I am fully surrendered and committed.